August 6, 2026 - 19:07
I can't help but wonder if reincarnation can go backwards. If perhaps when I die I could somehow go back in time rather than begin a new life from the current era onward. Quite frankly, I do not desire to witness what will become of this world in years to come. Especially not as somebody even younger than I already am who will witness even more of it than I will.
I would much rather go backwards, and maybe I will find peace there, in the times I read about so often. Though the chances are slim it would even be possible, let alone that I would get to have the kind of life of dream of when I think of such times. The world was not peaceful, but then again, when has it ever been? Even today, it is not. Could going back really be all that bad in comparison to what is currently happening in the world?
We've reached a point in this world that I honestly believe the only difference would be the pop culture, and the fact that I would no longer be subjected to the tragedies of war and politics through a smartphone 24/7.
April 20, 2026 - 17:10
Either he doesn't want me anymore, or he's dead. I no longer believe there is another option. He hasn't said a word to me since the first of this month, and I don't expect him to any time soon. I miss him. I hate to say it but she was right. I am codependant, and I don't think I can stop that fact. I tried to after she left, I really did. Yet in the end it did nothing. Sure, he doesn't know I'm as dependant on him as I am, I haven't told him. Still, I'm certain he can feel it. He knows, he hates me for it, just like she did.
I hate me for it.
He was supposed to be the one. My own personal Prince Charming. And I drove him away, just like I always do. It's actually impressive we made it to two years before he got tired of me. She left after barely one year. I expected him to be the same, but I suppose you can't expect the same timeline with different people. Especially since I've been trying to push this back for as long as I could. Now it's here, and I'm not sure how to respond.
How does one prepare for imminent unavoidable severe depression? Map out the easiest suicide plans in advance? I already did that, and I'd prefer not to need to use any of those plans, though I may have no choice. If he leaves I'm accepting my fate. I'm not waiting for somebody, or something, to fix things like I did when she left. This all ends the moment he says so. I won't tell him why, I can't do that to him, but it will be why.
I don't want to hurt him, but I don't think I'm capable of anything else. I know that if I die it will hurt him. I hate that it will. Unfortunately, those are the cards we've been dealt. I'm truly sorry to him, he never should have been dragged into my life. I know my fate, I've known my fate for years, yet I keep letting in people I will only hurt. A horrible pattern I am incapable of breaking.
March 1, 2026 - 08:05
I haven't felt truly suicidal in over a year. Today changed that. Though I no longer wish to meet death prematurely due to self hatred. Or at least not purely due to self hatred. You see I've always known I would die young, I just didn't know what would cause it. Now I know. It will be suicide. That idea which once sounded so foreign to me. That word that at one point many years ago elicited a thought somewhere along the lines of "Why would anybody want to do that to themself?". Several years ago I learnt exactly why one might desire to cut their own life short. Now I merely wish to know when it will be.
Each time I truly try to think about it tonight the same word comes to mind. "Why?" I've asked myself "why" about many things now. Many things which I will never have reliable answers to.
I reached a point tonight that I even reached out to somebody in hopes he could dissuade me from such feelings. He did. Briefly. Unfortunately, even he cannot prevent these feelings anymore as he once did. I won't tell him that. Not now, and not ever. He will never know unless he someday reads this site. I wish for him to always believe himself to be the one who never failed me, because I truly believe he hasn't. It is not his failure which causes me to still feel this way tonight. It is my own.
I think the worse part of all of this is my plan. I refuse to differ from it, though it requires quite a bit of patience, and false recovery. I don't know that I have the patience required for such a plan. Regardless, it is something I feel very deeply that I must do.