March 1, 2026 - 08:05
I haven't felt truly suicidal in over a year. Today changed that. Though I no longer wish to meet death prematurely due to self hatred. Or at least not purely due to self hatred. You see I've always known I would die young, I just didn't know what would cause it. Now I know. It will be suicide. That idea which once sounded so foreign to me. That word that at one point many years ago elicited a thought somewhere along the lines of "Why would anybody want to do that to themself?". Several years ago I learnt exactly why one might desire to cut their own life short. Now I merely wish to know when it will be.
Each time I truly try to think about it tonight the same word comes to mind. "Why?" I've asked myself "why" about many things now. Many things which I will never have reliable answers to.
I reached a point tonight that I even reached out to somebody in hopes he could dissuade me from such feelings. He did. Briefly. Unfortunately, even he cannot prevent these feelings anymore as he once did. I won't tell him that. Not now, and not ever. He will never know unless he someday reads this site. I wish for him to always believe himself to be the one who never failed me, because I truly believe he hasn't. It is not his failure which causes me to still feel this way tonight. It is my own.
I think the worse part of all of this is my plan. I refuse to differ from it, though it requires quite a bit of patience, and false recovery. I don't know that I have the patience required for such a plan. Regardless, it is something I feel very deeply that I must do.