April 20, 2026 - 17:10
Either he doesn't want me anymore, or he's dead. I no longer believe there is another option. He hasn't said a word to me since the first of this month, and I don't expect him to any time soon. I miss him. I hate to say it but she was right. I am codependant, and I don't think I can stop that fact. I tried to after she left, I really did. Yet in the end it did nothing. Sure, he doesn't know I'm as dependant on him as I am, I haven't told him. Still, I'm certain he can feel it. He knows, he hates me for it, just like she did.
I hate me for it.
He was supposed to be the one. My own personal Prince Charming. And I drove him away, just like I always do. It's actually impressive we made it to two years before he got tired of me. She left after barely one year. I expected him to be the same, but I suppose you can't expect the same timeline with different people. Especially since I've been trying to push this back for as long as I could. Now it's here, and I'm not sure how to respond.
How does one prepare for imminent unavoidable severe depression? Map out the easiest suicide plans in advance? I already did that, and I'd prefer not to need to use any of those plans, though I may have no choice. If he leaves I'm accepting my fate. I'm not waiting for somebody, or something, to fix things like I did when she left. This all ends the moment he says so. I won't tell him why, I can't do that to him, but it will be why.
I don't want to hurt him, but I don't think I'm capable of anything else. I know that if I die it will hurt him. I hate that it will. Unfortunately, those are the cards we've been dealt. I'm truly sorry to him, he never should have been dragged into my life. I know my fate, I've known my fate for years, yet I keep letting in people I will only hurt. A horrible pattern I am incapable of breaking.
March 1, 2026 - 08:05
I haven't felt truly suicidal in over a year. Today changed that. Though I no longer wish to meet death prematurely due to self hatred. Or at least not purely due to self hatred. You see I've always known I would die young, I just didn't know what would cause it. Now I know. It will be suicide. That idea which once sounded so foreign to me. That word that at one point many years ago elicited a thought somewhere along the lines of "Why would anybody want to do that to themself?". Several years ago I learnt exactly why one might desire to cut their own life short. Now I merely wish to know when it will be.
Each time I truly try to think about it tonight the same word comes to mind. "Why?" I've asked myself "why" about many things now. Many things which I will never have reliable answers to.
I reached a point tonight that I even reached out to somebody in hopes he could dissuade me from such feelings. He did. Briefly. Unfortunately, even he cannot prevent these feelings anymore as he once did. I won't tell him that. Not now, and not ever. He will never know unless he someday reads this site. I wish for him to always believe himself to be the one who never failed me, because I truly believe he hasn't. It is not his failure which causes me to still feel this way tonight. It is my own.
I think the worse part of all of this is my plan. I refuse to differ from it, though it requires quite a bit of patience, and false recovery. I don't know that I have the patience required for such a plan. Regardless, it is something I feel very deeply that I must do.